Category: Funny


Jun
2012

Broke Down and Dressed Up

categories: April, Funny, Travel

Get ready for an “April” story. Daniel was flying into Arizona late on Thursday night. Being the nice wife that I am, I decided to put a sexy dress on to pick him up from the airport. His flight, which was supposed to arrive at 11:45pm, ends up landing about a half hour early.

Daniel was flying over so he could drive with me back to Florida for the summer. Our plan was to leave fairly early the next morning. I was busy packing up my van all day and I wasn’t finished yet, so I decided to borrow my parents Mercedes when he arrived.

I was on the freeway, halfway there, when the car starts slowing down and begins shaking. By the time I get off to the shoulder, I know something is definitely wrong and I smell something burning.  Now, rewind about two hours to when I was in my kitchen talking to my neighbor, Tammy. We were talking about the drive across the country:

Me: “I prefer driving at night.”

Tammy:” Don’t you get scared driving at night?”

Me: “No. What would I be scared of?”

Tammy: “Getting a flat tire.”

Me: “Why would I be scared of that? I’ve never had a flat tire.”

Tammy: “Knock on wood.” (She knocks on the corian counter…I blame all the rest of the events on the fact that she didn’t actually knock on wood. LOL)

I end up with a flat tire…near midnight…in my sexy dress…on the freeway. Instead of picking up my husband who I haven’t seen in over a month, I’m stuck in my car on the side of the road. Goodness knows, I’m not going to try flagging down someone in my hooker-ish dress.

My brother ends up coming to my rescue and my dad calls AAA to have them come out. I pick up Daniel using my brothers car and bring him to the Mercedes so he and my brother can change the tire. As soon as they finish, the tow truck arrives and the guy, after giving me a once over, tells the guys thanks for stopping to help.

Lesson learned: Don’t ever mention that you’ve never had a flat before, God most definitely has a sense of humor.


Apr
2012

I’m Cracking…

categories: April, Funny, Kids

My kids crack me up! Which sometimes means they have brought me to the brink of insanity (Like…Wow, that woman has really cracked) and other times it means they make me laugh until my sides hurt. Today was more of the laughing until my sides hurt kind of cracking.

Daisy said three things that had me rolling, so I thought I would share. First she wakes up and comes downstairs to tell me, out of the blue, that she believes monkey bars should be made out of marshmallows. Why?? “Because then you wouldn’t get blisters.” Now, if this child had blisters right now it would make sense to me that she felt the need to come up with solutions. But…no blisters, just trying to solve the world’s problems, one at a time. Who knows, maybe she’ll come down one day and give us the answer to world hunger.

Next, Daisy wanted to pray for our dinner. I was excited because normally she won’t pray in front of others. Score one for spiritual growth, right? Wrong. Dinner was chicken stir-fry, which is important to know. Her prayer was that she hoped the chicken didn’t  “get shoot” but just died of natural causes.

Last, but not least, after dinner one of the girls brought up Pirate’s Booty, which is one of their favorite snacks. It’s basically white cheddar popcorn. We had a guest with us who had never heard of Pirate Booty and asked what it was. Daisy, without a pause, replies straight-faced with “They take baby pirates, cut off their booties, and you eat them.” After a brief pause, the entire table erupted with laughter.

Now, I realize, you may not find these as funny as I did. It may be one of those I-guess-you-had-to-be-there kind of things, but I definitely wanted to remember them, and since my memory is not to be counted on, I decided to write them down. Feel free to share your funny kid stories in the comments below, because I know you “crack” up sometimes too!

 

 


Feb
2012

Bedtime Prayers

categories: April, Funny, God, Kids

Okay, I had to write this down just so I don’t forget it…since we all know how forgetful I am…or have you already forgotten that? If so, you are in good company. 🙂

Anyway, I  wanted to pray with Ainsley and Daisy before they went to bed tonight so I asked them what their prayer requests were. I’m just going to write what they said or at least as close as I can get to remembering it.

Ainsley: “I want to pray for all our military families who are missing their loved ones. Especially for the kids without dads at home.” (This is the only predictable prayer request because Ainsley does seem to have a heart for the military, she is always praying for them…even at dinner.)

Daisy: “I want to pray for all the kids in foster care that they get nice families.”

Ainsley: (adding on to Daisy’s) “Especially Jada.” Jada is one of Ainsley’s friends in Florida in foster care.

Daisy: (adding to Ainsley’s adding to her request) “Yes, can Jada come live with us?”

Mom (Me): “Jada is with a loving family in Florida now.” (This is true! Thank you God!!)

Daisy: “I want to pray for all the people that have cancer….that they would get better.”

Ainsley: “I want to pray for The Foundation.”

—– Long Pause by all —-

Mom: “What Foundation?”

Ainsley: “Where people donate their things to other people that need them, like hearts, kidneys, body parts. Because those people are sacrificing themselves to give someone else a second chance.” (I know that most are not technically “sacrificing themselves” but that is what she said.) 🙂

Mom: “Okay, that’s a good one. Anything else?”

Daisy: “I want to pray for Carter, he’s been out of school for two days.” (Our first local prayer.)

Then the girls prayed for what they requested and went to sleep. I was laughing with Daniel about the randomness of their requests later and then I realized that we should all be more like children. They ask God for the big things…world changing things. They aren’t focused on themselves. They aren’t limiting God’s ability to do anything and everything…even cure cancer with this prayer.

I am a lucky mom to be raising these beautiful girls who inspire me to be the kind of person who thinks BIG when it comes to prayer! Don’t forget to take a few minutes and pray with your kiddos before bed. You may be surprised and inspired by what is on their hearts.

 


Sep
2011

Our “UN-Pleasant” Nightmare

categories: April, Funny, Kids, Mothering

 

This was one of those days that I would not want to relive, BUT….I promised this post, so here it goes.

Daisy’s 7th birthday party was two weeks ago. Last year we had only recently moved to Phoenix before her 6th birthday, so we didn’t have a lot of friends to invite. This time I wanted to make sure we had kids at the party, and due to the fact that it was Labor Day weekend I decided to over-invite, thinking some would be heading out of town. Wrong! Twelve girls later, plus Ainsley and Daisy….you could say my house was a 3-ring circus.

If you have been reading my posts than you are already aware that Jerilyn came home on Friday night after a 3 week stay in the hospital. Due to the fact that (A) I thought such a large group of girls screaming around the house would set off her sensory alarms, and (B) that “hello”…she had had lice at the hospital and I had basically de-liced and quarantined her before all the masses descended for the party; I needed another plan for her Saturday.

We had a plan set, or so I thought. My dad and brother, Paul, were planning to take Jerilyn and the boys (our boy cousins) out to see Captain America while we had the party. Fast forward to the party now, people are starting to arrive and my dad, who went to run an errand is still not back. Now, I am starting to stress because Jerilyn needed to already be gone, so we don’t have new transition issues and/or her blurting out anything remotely related to lice.

My dad now arrives and tells us that he has rented a jet ski for the day and that they are taking the kids (all 5 now) up to “Pleasant” Lake. I can tell you, from that moment, I knew the day was going to be a disaster. You don’t just take kids on a day outing like that without some planning involved….I know that, and I’m not even a “planner” type.

So now, my sister-in-law Vicki has to help get kids dressed and ready for the trip and I’m quite sure is thinking that she’d rather be going with them now, instead of helping me manage the 14 girls that have filled the house. I’m also aware that now, after we finish 3 hours of hectic party-ness, we are going to have to pile in the car and head up to Pleasant Lake.

The party went great, but as soon as the door closes with the last girl gone, we start scrambling to get out as well. By the time we are on the road we have been informed by my very frustrated brother that they are up there at some marina and there is no place for the kids to get in the water, so they are having to wait in 110 degree temps for their turn on the jet ski. Can we say disaster?? Can I say…“I told you so.”

Oh, and Jerilyn is not cooperating. Really? A kid with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and ADHD is not patiently waiting in the desert heat for her turn on the jet ski?? Shocking. In case the sarcasm is not clue enough…I was pretty pissed that they had put her in this position literally hours after coming home from the hospital where our focus was on stabilizing her.

*Break*  (For those of you who don’t know my dad, he is one of the best dads/papas on the planet and his heart was in the right place. He wanted to have a fun day with the kids, even if his ability to anticipate how this would inevitably go down was way off.)

Alright, so back to my diatribe. Vicki, Daisy, Ainsley and I are now on our way up there. Two hours later, after our GPS taking us the wrong way, we arrive at Pleasant Lake. They aren’t there. Nope…apparently my dad is not at the state park that has places to jet-ski and to swim. He is at some Private Marina 4 miles down the road. I didn’t even ask him how he got in there.

We call to let them know we have found the place and they then inform us that the jet-ski is now broken. So…let’s get this right. We’ve got children (and at least one adult) breaking down all over the place and now the jet-ski is joining the crowd. Seriously, I just wanted to turn the van back around and throw as many kids in the back as we could, go home and stop this day from getting any worse. Alas, that was not in the cards.

Vicki and I decide to take the kids to the actual Pleasant Lake and let them at least get in the water. We get over there finally, and the kids get in the water, but Jerilyn has reached her limit and we are going to need to come up with an exit plan fairly soon.

To make this long story, just a little shorter, I’ll just say that the day also included a missing gas cap and my dad’s idea of a fix (just stuff a plastic glove over it) and one last ride on the jet-ski that included getting a ticket for driving too fast. Oh…it was a doozy of a day.  Definitely the kind of day that requires me to sit down with a beer or glass of wine or whatever I can get my hands on and try as hard as I can to forget it.

In order to end on a high note, I will tell you my one piece of “pleasant” news though. Lice was conquered! Thank God!!!!!!!

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Aug
2011

The Guilt List

categories: Funny, Julie, Kids, Mothering, Work

Hey, folks.

Just so you know, writing this blog has been on my list of “things to do” for awhile now.  I’ve been mulling it over and over, and finally realized it’s time to write so I can move it from the “to do” list to the “to done” list.  Not to be confused with the “kids’ activity” list or the “grocery” list or the “fix it” list or the “stuff we need for camping this weekend” list.  Oh, and I can’t forget the “honey-do” list my really sweet husband left for me or the “housework” list or the list of “people I need to send cards to”.

Before you think I’m a freak, I don’t actually have all of these lists written out and hanging on the fridge as a constant reminder of things I have yet to do.  It’s just that these lists are constantly running through my mind of what needs to get done.  I know I’m not the only one out there who does this….am I?  Isn’t this just the way it is when you’re a parent?  Mile long lists of things to feel guilty about not doing yet?  Does it have to be this way?

Just say NO, people!  It’s time to make lists of things you’ve actually done throughout the day.  Things that you’re proud of accomplishing.  Trade that “guilt list” of to-do’s into a victory list of “look what I’ve done”!  For instance, I never made it to the jewelry repair shop to drop off my husband’s watch, but I walked to the park with my little girl and had a picnic.  (This wasn’t on any list, but it should’ve been.)  She had a blast laying on our blanket with me and looking up at the underside of the trees.

I haven’t touched up the paint on our kitchen cabinets, but I did fold and put up 3 loads of laundry.  Yay, me!  I haven’t mailed out the family group photos to my aunts and cousins yet (from July), but I did meet with a friend to plan the teacher appreciation luncheon we’re in charge of for the school.  See what I mean?  It’s so easy to feel guilty about the things you haven’t done, when you’ve already done so much.

I, for one, am not going to feel guilty about not washing the sheets today, because  I have a clean kitchen.  I will let go of the fact that my browning bananas haven’t been made into banana bread.  I am going to throw them away and not feel an ounce of guilt, because my back door window has been wiped clean of fingerprints.

At this very moment, my daughter is sleeping and I will not once think about all the things I was going to do while she’s taking a nap.   Like finish her first year scrapbook, paint a growth chart to hang in her room, register my 8 year old for guitar lessons, figure out how to teach my oldest to type with homerow keys, call my mom, take a shower and put on makeup….No!  I will not dwell on that list.  Instead, I will think about the good I have done today.  I sent my boys off to school with smiles on their faces.  I made them a great sack lunch.  I hugged my husband before he left for work.  I swept the kitchen floor.  I taught my daughter that clouds are the color white (our color of the day).

So let’s start a revolution!  No more guilt over those crazy lists.  Look at what you’ve done and be proud.  Make that “victory list” and hang it on the refrigerator.  Just don’t feel guilty if you never get around to it.


Aug
2011

Funny Daisy Quote…

categories: April, Funny, Kids

 

After waking up in the middle of the night again with growing pains in her right leg… “I don’t understand Mommy….why is it always this leg?…. And why isn’t this leg longer than my other one by now?”

You gotta keep your sense of humor….

(In case you don’t know, Daisy is my soon-to-be 7 year old. She’s already calling herself 7, so I might as well too.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Aug
2011

First day of school is like Christmas for parents…

categories: April, Funny, Kids, Work

I love my children, really…I do. They make me laugh regularly…like when Daisy, my 6 year old, asked this week if she was supposed to clean her shoulders with her shampoo…because it was Head & Shoulders. And yes, she was serious, which is why I began laughing so hard. Then she proceeded to rub the shampoo into her shoulders. Gotta love that Crazy Daisy!

BUT…as much as I love them, the first day of school is one of the happiest days of the year for me. I know I am not alone out there either. Some parents cry when their kids get on the bus the first day because they feel like they are “losing” them….I may cry too, but they are tears of joy….is that so wrong??

This joy may stem from the fact that I am a full time work from home mom, so my workspace is my children’s summer playground. I’m not going to miss things like just starting an important scheduled call only to hear the car (that my girls were supposed to be cleaning) alarm going off and my daughters screaming like banshees. No…I won’t miss those things. And by the way…that cleaning the car thing, don’t think it was out of the goodness of their sweet little hearts….nope, and if they hadn’t argued about who would have to do what, they would have finished that chore about an hour and half before my call.

So, tomorrow….when the bus comes and they take their excited little selves up its steps, you can bet I’ll be waving emphatically,shedding a tear (maybe), and jumping in my car to head off to a much needed celebratory breakfast. Cracker Barrel here I come!

“This is the most wonderful time of the year….”


Aug
2011

Frozen peas….upside a head.

categories: Friends, Funny, God, Misty, Mothering

First, let me start by saying that I just read Julie and April’s posts about how we all met and I should just tell you that it’s all true, but they left out a LOT of details. I’m a details kind of girl, just ask April who doesn’t remember what happened 5 minutes ago. But, for the sake of a “short” blog, I won’t go into those details. I will tell you that you should be jealous of these friendships though, because we are kind of awesome. The kind of awesome that needs its own Lifetime movie. What are you waiting for Lifetime? Make a movie about us already.

Did anybody notice we are Christians? Uh-oh. Don’t worry, we’re not whack-a-doodles who handle snakes and drink kool-aid with special night-night pills inside. But I would say we are card-carrying lovers of Jesus. And that’s all the preaching I will do. I just mention the Christian part because, well, just like all people…we still have our issues. And sometimes, people want to relate those issues with the fact that we’re crazy Christians. When in fact, we’re just plain crazy. For example: let’s say some of us have more than 2 children. Like I don’t know, me. And let’s say that you’re in a grocery store with 3 children and you’re pregnant with your 4th and people feel the need to explain to you that you have too many children and what you should do about it. Here are some things you might hear:

“Do you know what causes that?”

“Wow, you’ve got your hands full!”

“All girls? I hope you’re having a boy this time!”

“You’re done after this one, right?”

Let me assure you that I have answers for all of these questions, and almost none of them have anything to do with Jesus. I am not Michelle Duggar, nor do I want to be (God bless her ovaries). And my husband and I are not trying to “be fruitful and mulitply” or start an Army for God. We are normal people. I don’t know when this world started hating kids, or thinking that there was something wrong with the people who had more than 2.1 children, but it is HELLA annoying when people assume you are retarded, or that you are a nut job with a Bible, and need education on how to NOT have any more kids. I’m sorry, did I ask you? Do I know what causes that? Sure. Do you know what causes this bag of frozen peas to land upside your head? Yeah, it’s cause and effect. I love my husband, he’s kind of hot and we have a pretty friendly disposition towards each other when it comes to the bedroom. Sometimes that equals: babies. You are stupid and rude and sometimes that equals: you getting hurt by frozen peas. See how that works? I’ve got my hands full? Duh. Thanks for noticing, Captain Obvious. You hope I’m having a boy this time? Wow, I didn’t know we were living in China. Hey, and thanks for saying that in front of my daughters. I don’t want them thinking they’re special in any way.

Here’s my point: I’m tired of stupid people. And not just the stupid people at the grocery store either. I’m looking at you Katy Perry with your stupid song about Last Friday Night. Two words for you: sell out. Seriously, I wonder how you sleep at night peddling your crap-lyrics to girls across the nation. And Lady GaGa who is about as originial as  Milli Vanilli. Way to use sex appeal like you’re the first person to think of it. You are not as cool as you think you are! Okay, okay, now I’m just being mean. Don’t take me too seriously though, unless of course you trust the opinion of a woman who voted for Sanjaya on American Idol. (I stand by those votes…he had a freaking pony-hawk, people! A pony-hawk!)

But you get it, right? Get what, you say? Good question. God bless us, one and all. Especially the one’s who need frozen peas upside their precious heads.